Near's Sweet Sugary Night
by Axletia Rosonetis
Summary: Near has too much sugar. Oneshot.


Near's Sweet Sugary Night

_I do not own Death Note or any of its characters. Btw, when they talk about sugar, they mean actual sugar - NO DRUGS ! _

* * *

Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-ti-

" _**AAAAAAHHHHHHH ! IT'S NEAR ! "**_

_**" OH, CRAP ! NOT AGAIN ! "**_

Near grabbed a bicycle and quickly pedaled on it as he was being chased by a hoard of fangirls. It was your usual day. Every afternoon as the very hot teenager came home from school, dozens of girls would stampede like wild Donphan after him. Sometimes they would rip the clothes off of him. Once, Near came home only in his underwear because his best friend stripped off his school uniform while in a fierce daze, just after kissing Aido (a Vampire Knight character).

Not today, though. Today he managed to escape all of the fangirls by jumping into a diner. Mello would probably bitch him out because they were supposed to go out to T.G.I. Friday's, but Near really didn't care (and he sort of forgot...)

It was dimly lighted. Two older people sat on stools. Near slowly crept onto a stool and sat on it with a leg on the chair. The worker, who had a wide unibrow and was balding, glanced at Near. " I've seen you before. You're the one that all the ditzy girls chase after every day. I actually took a picture of you that day when that one girl dressed you up as a neko (cat). But don't worry. You're safe here. Nobody comes in here. It's a dive. And I have no interest in young boys. "

" Oh, good. So...I'd like four boxes of pistachio nuts, three cans of juicy grapes, two boxes of pixie sticks, and some jello-shots. "

The worker sweatdropped. " Aren't you,like, thirteen ? "

" Um, I'm turning fourteen in a couple of months if that makes any difference. "

" Yeah...look. I can't sell any of that crap to you since I don't have it in stock (I do have twelve bottles of champagne if you're interested, though. "

" No way ! Everyone knows that champagne does not get you drunk to the point of D.U.I. ! It's the gayest drink, even for teenagers ! "

" Fine. I can hook you up with sugar, though. "

Near's eyes widened like an owl's. " You serious ? What kind of sugar, dude ? "

" Name's Far. I've got all kinds. White, brown, fudgies, (and some Canadian brown sugar, eh.) It's illegal here in Honshu, but it will get you in such a rush. You will be hyper for two hours. "

" Do you have anything stronger ? "

" Oh, hell yeah ! "

Far went into the employee room and came back with a flour sack. " This isn't any ordinary type of sugar. This is brown sugar imported from England. "

" So ? "

" Whaddya mean, so ?! European sugar is the sweetest sugar on our planet ! And England tops ! If you think Canadian sugar is illegal, than Britain is banned in three of the four main islands (and most of China). If you take this stuff, you will be on a sugar rush for a looong time. "

" Really ? I'll take an ounce of all the sugar you have ! "

" Are you sure, Near ? This British sugar ain't no joke. Don't take too much of it. I've seen great people take it and have suicidal thoughts the next day. If you know, the day after you're hyper is Suicidal Sunday. Oh, and the Canadian sugar will give you diarrhea for the next three days. That's a heads-up. "

Near shrugged. " I'll take that risk, " he said, snatching the sugary treats from the fat man.

He exited out of the diner and sat on the sidewalk. As cars passed the boy, he looked at the sugar inside the paper bag. " Whoa. Far said that one type of sugar can keep you up for two hours. I wonder if someone ate all of the sugar at once. "

Near shook his head. " No. I should not do this. For all I know, I could wind up sleeping in a ditch when this is all over. "

Suddenly a voice came inside Near's head. " Come on, Near, buddy ! Do it. Don't you remember that time when we shaved Mello's hair off ? Or the time when you got your first tattoo on the back of your left leg ? "

" Yeah, but this seems like a bad idea, though, " Near muttered.

" So ? Since when have you obeyed the law ? You're the one that taps the phone lines on Aido all the time. "

" Well, I have to make sure that the vampire guy won't eat me. "

The voice tutted. " Near, you idiot. Vampires drink blood. So come on already. Eat the sugar."

" Bu- "

" Come on, Near. Eat it. _**EAT THE SUGAR ! "**_

Near sighed. "_ Fine_, Voicy. I guess I'll eat the damn sugar. "

He opened the bag and quickly ate all of the sugary products that were inside the bag. Immediately his pupils turned very wide and the hand that was holding the bag started twitching involuntarily. It then forced the bag inside his mouth, and Near swallowed it whole. " Ah...sugar. "

Suddenly turned seven different colors in Near's point of view. A nearby tree turned purple polka-dotted. A guy's face turned bright pink. The teenage boy quickly ran into a red Ferrari. The doors were unlocked and somehow the keys were in the ignition.

" Buddha man...I have found personal enlightenment in my life. "

Near hopped into the seat and started to drive the car. Since he had began the sport of joyriding at the age of eight in the streets of America, Near (a.k.a. Nate Rivers) was now an expert at the joy of joyriding.

He twirled the car into a curb, hitting a nearby fire hydrant. Water rushed up from the spot where it had been hit.

The next victim was a guy in a black hoodie and wearing purple face - makeup. The unimportant Puppet Master was ran over heedlessly, (but nobody really cares about Kankuro since nobody likes him)

* * *

(6 A.M.)

After a long rampage across the streets, Near had hit five pedestrians, four trees, three other cars, two fire hydrants, and Kankuro. Finally, as the Ferrari ran out of gas, Near stumbled out of the car, his senses finally awakened. " Whoa. Where am I ? "

" You're in Juvie, my amigo ! "

O.o " Voicy ? Is that you ? "

" Of course it's me, _pandejo !_ You crashed into a Juvie Center in San Antonio , Te - jas ! "

" But driving from Japan to Texas is scientifically impossible ! I couldn't have done it ! " Near shouted in his thoughts.

" You have to remember this - this ees America ! Nothing makes sense ! So...you're screwed ! "

" Great. I'm going to get imprisoned by da man. This sucks. At least I have you, though, Voicy. "

The voice cackled. " Sorry. You're on your own ! I'm going to taunt Mello now ! "

-poof!-

Near sweatdropped, but then grinned. " Wait a minute ! If this is anime I can do whatever I want ! Sweet ! "

And so Near ventures out to New York where he later becomes head of the FBI and the owner of the Internet (while Mello dies of an O.D. caused by the voice inside his head telling him to do it.)

End


End file.
